IT'S A PROCESS

Grief is a process, and like you I find myself slipping in and out of the stages of grief, but although outsiders do not understand this so they believe enough already, really you should be over it by now, well not really because its not easy to get rid of all you have ever shared and built with your husband.  Although his physical presence is no longer there, his  presence still dwells within and so when you understand the process of grief  you are then able to understand where you find yourself.  For a widow whose husband passed on 3years ago and a widow whose husband passed on 6days ago both still experience the process of grief  however the pain reduces with time.

Like you  I have experienced the grief process of Shock or Denial, Anger, Sadness and Point of acceptance. And although we do not all experience these stages in the same order. It is very important that you do not allow people tell you how to grief but allow your body deal with it naturally because in time it will get better. There are many theories on grief process however I believe you are the only one who can tell the process of grief you feel.

Shock or denial
This process allows us to deal with the information and then absorb it slowly. I recollect i felt numb as thou a bombshell had been dropped on me and for a second it seemed as thou I was all alone walking around trying to understand where I was and what had just happened and then battling it out in my head and questioning God.

Anger
As our mind process the loss, we begin to seek external sources to blame for our  pain and sometimes we blame God. I began to examine the whole incident leading to the passing on of my husband,  I blamed everyone linked to us including myself.  In my anger God enlighten me some more and allowed me see so many reasons why I shouldn't stay angry.....Ephesians 4:26 God understands that it is ok to be angry what he doesn't want is for our anger to lead us to sin. I recollect one of my conversation with my brother where he asked if the anger i felt for the situation at hand relieved and  made me feel any better or if staying angry would bring my husband back. In my thoughts i began to ask God to relieve me of anger and restore peace to me.  I am now aware that anger would have made matters worse for me and all I needed to do was see Jesus in my trial.


Sadness:  Everyday for me was different, some days I would wake up feeling all excited and on some days I would wake up with a feeling of sadness. I realized no matter which way I woke up I could drift in between both as I had flash backs of my beloved  husband. A few days back I  had a dream in which I saw my husband laying on a  hospital bed and  I noticed he was bleeding heavily.  It then occurred to me that he was very poorly and as a result he may not pull through. I woke up feeling sad and this sadness over took my entire day and as I tried to stay happy it became  a challenge and I practically cried all day as my dream flashed before me.  In the situation of things God placed support there for me.

Point of acceptance: This is when you have accepted the fact that your husband is no more as you begin to adapt to the new change.  I have adapted to  life without my husband and although my husband has been gone for 6months still I find myself moving back and forth through the process. Some days I feel as though God has blessed me with an out pour of extreme strength and on other days I feel he has given me more than I can actually handle, however I  notice God's presence as I pass through the water and through the fire. I have realized that you can not effectively navigate grief unless you have the support of genuine people around you , people like your family and friends. Build up on the right support team for you because not everyone who is family or friend can support you positively and then find ways to manage your feelings, this could be through writing, listening to music, talking to a friend or  perhaps keeping a journal just make sure its what works best for you. 

Life generally is all about process sometimes you pass through one mini process and other times you pass through various mini process all at one go, its however the way you adapt to each stage that determines whether or not you come out of the entire process and then learn how to breathe again. 
1 Thessalonians 4:13 "Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope." So it is normal to grief, however you must grief healthily knowing God is taking you through the process. 

Finally do not drown your sorrows in yourself, alcohol or food however place it in the hands of God.... Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”